And Then There Were Six

Yesterday, oh man, just a bittersweet day I guess. On the bright side, John Wayne McCain can kinda just take a nap until the Democrats figure out their situation. But, ahh, Rudy! I could go on for a while about how I felt after Florida, but I think Opera Man could sum it up best for me if he were to update his Concert for New York classic, 2008 style. Something felt lacking during the debate last night, and it would have been a nice touch if they hung up a picture of Giuliani behind the desk. Like you would do in your living room for a recently deceased relative.

As for John Edwards dropping out before Fight Night, well, he'll definitely be doing this evening's CNN's ratings a favor. If he stayed in, tonight would have been tantamount to Butterbean hanging out inside the ring during Ali vs. Frazier. I think the over/under for the first attack on Bill Clinton remark or that the next president should be ready "on Day One" is about two and a half minutes. But let's hope the newest chapter of Hilbama is a little more original.

This morning I heard on Fox News that some political rating agency lists Senator Obama as having the most liberal Senate voting record in 2007, with Clinton coming in at around sixteen or so. What struck me about this is that you will probably hear neither brag about such a statistic, while if any of the Republicans were rated the most conservative in his job, it would be his newest campaign slogan. And you know what? The impact on this race would have been ZILCH. The Republicans are under the baffling assumption that the eventual nominee must be whoever appeals the most to the party's "conservative base." If that were actually true, then Fred Thompson would be sitting very pretty right now. I don't claim to know actual statistics on this, but the proportion of true conservatives to all of those who actually vote in primaries is probably no more significant than any other group, and surely, there must be many "lefty" Republicans like me that don't believe in supply-side economics or burning gays.

Before I go, one comment about my news habits since some of you actually believe that Fox News is the Republican Al-Jazeera. From a pure news standpoint, Fox has no political bias. I just happen to think that Brit Hume and Shepherd Smith are much more tolerable than Wolf Blitzer. This bias assumption likely stems from the fact that FNC's highest rated programs lean right. Take Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity out of the equation (not to mention Hannity's liberal co-host Alan Colmes) and FNC is actually fair and balanced, with no conservative bias. Just like without Andersoon Cooper and Larry King, CNN would have no homoerotic or decrepitly incompetent bias.

Just a Thought

Because of some dirty players in the Clinton campaign and just plain blind ignorance of Islamo-phobes across the nation, Senator Obama should give a talk entitled, "I'm Not A Muslim, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."

I mean, it worked for Mike Piazza, right?

Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dossum: Fred Is Now Gone, That's Totally Awesome

Man, do I love politics.

First off, I think my last post about whom I was endorsing was this blog taking itself too seriously. C'mon, who the hell do I think I am, the venerable Bob Schieffer? Now there's a man who could endorse a ham sandwich for president and make everyone say, "Wow, Boar's Head never looked so sensible until now."

Also, I'm faced with conceding here (for the very first time!) that the November victory speech will probably not contain the words, "If you thought running for president was hard, try living through 9/11! Oh, wait, right - I'm elected now, I can finally admit that the calendar has 364 other days."

Strangely, I'm not very upset over my man Rudy going down. He actually sort of deserves it, because I've been getting pissed off lately that he's commercialized that day to the point that Christmas looks sacred and private by comparison. Seriously, 'Dolph, I've been saying all along: All you had to do was hold up before and after charts at your stump speeches. New York City crime pre-Rudy, New York City crime post-Rudy. Choking deficit in the early 90s, golden surplus in time for the new millennium. You could have reminded them all of the well-known saying from before 9/11 - that being mayor of New York is the second hardest government job in the country. Call me next time you run for something man, although Rasmussen just informed me that the corpse of Richard Nixon leads you in the polls for dog catcher.

I'm now throwing my heft behind the Maverick, the War Hero, the Stud That Kissed All the Girls and Made Them Cry: Senator John Sidney McCain III. And I can't wait until the inevitable day that he takes an big old man dump on Glove Romney and sends him back to Michigan, or Massachusetts, or, uhh...wait, I think he just changed his position again on which state is best.

And don't tell me that 71 is too old to be elected president. Warren Buffet, 76, is still in complete command of the strongest company in our nation.

This just in: Last night's edition of WWE Monday Night Raw was eked out by CNN's Democratic Debate as the trashiest main event of the night. Seriously! The only trick that Hillary didn't pull was after one of Obama's retorts, raising her arm to emphasize a point and then wailing, "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK ON ME?!" As Mr. Imus said this morning, the Clintons would poison a municipal water system if it meant winning an election.

The odds in Vegas right now probably point towards a Clinton/McCain big dance in November. Call me crazy, but I have a dream scenario. Follow my math here. John McCain, while most of his support comes from the Republicans, is well-liked by many Democrats, right? Barack Obama, with his message of hope and unity, complimenting politicians on both sides of the aisle and looking like a refreshing break from the "politics of personal destruction" is building some cross-party appeal, right? Then what better way to get an Upper West Side writer and a Texas cattle rancher to join hands and sing Kumbaya than to put forth the perfect unity ticket. It would eliminate a lot of the divisions in our great nation, and, more importantly, put an everlasting boulder in the Clintons' craw.

Happy electioning, everybody.

P.S. McBama '08!

BARACKABEE

I'm going to try and do an update after each major campaign event.