Guess Who's Back

So I leave for a week and you people change the governor on me?

Next winter, the first time you hate your life for living in New York during December/January/February and, the most fickle of them all, March, do me a favor: Book a trip to Mexico. The sun, the beautiful sea, the food, the drinks, the women. Who goes home after that? As much as we all know I love my current events here, the chatter of the Caribbean Sea beats the chatter of Hillary Clinton any day. Seriously, send me back there. Just be ready to install a shuffleboard court and early-bird all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet in forty years for me.

Mere weeks ago, I was convinced I'd walk into the booth on November 4th not knowing which lever to pull. Thank you, Rev. Jeremiah Wright for saving me a few sleepless nights. The pastor is right about many things. The history of racism in this country is regrettable and unfortunately continues to this day in some form. I would be pretty outraged myself if my success were in some way influenced by deep-seated suspicions of my skin color by a discriminating few. A national conversation on race - once nobly attempted but feebly executed by former President Clinton - would provide great catharsis and bring us to Senator Obama's dream of transcending race.

However, Senator Obama and most people in the media miss the point about what has caused so much hurt. This story would have died rather quickly if Reverend Wright's sermons stuck to the topic of decrying racism and the need to rise above it. Even the most pigheaded of people who think racism no longer exists would likely not condemn Senator Obama for associating himself with this man. No, I am pretty sure the real reason we cannot look past this issue lies somewhere in one or all three of the following statements:

1) The chickens came home to roost on 9/11
2) The American government planted AIDS on black people
3) "God damn America"

These statements are so radical and hurtful that you cannot juxtapose them with the context of any great things the man has done. If you want to be President of the United States, do you not expect people to have reservations about your leadership based on the statements of your mentor and close friend? As Senator Clinton said today, you can't choose your family members, but you can choose your pastor. The only patriotic response to this whole situation is to immediately resign membership from this Church. I'm not even running for president, but if my pastor had said any of these statements, you can bet I'd be consulting the Diocese of Brooklyn directory as I got home.

There is such a thing as being too open-minded. I don't think this situation has proved Senator Obama to be unpatriotic (with his life story, anyone would love this country), but I do think it's shown him to be a little naive. What does this say of future dealings with world leaders with whom we do not have the best diplomatic relations? This situation raised doubts about a subject which I had previously been waving off like a mosquito: Experience. He has served just a half-term in the Senate, and that is really starting to rear its ugly head. Furthermore, I just got done with an elected official with a somewhat short prior public service record. And I voted for Spitzer. I refuse to make the same mistake again. Like them or not, at least with Senators Clinton and McCain's combined 131 years of life, there will not be very much room for surprise.

Obama's eloquent, moving speech last week re-proved his abilities as a communicator, healer, and uniter. Sadly for him, the job description of President is far more complex.

Steamrolled

Right you've all heard about recent events in my state, so, stream of consciousness:

(Warning: Some of these are tongue-in-cheek satire, which is my way of expressing my rage over what happened.)

1. Quick, someone register www.bloomerg2010.com and sell it to future Governor Mike's campaign.

2. Maybe if Hillary cares about her "home state" so much, she should run for Albany once she loses the nomination/general election. Let the hometown rags have all their fun about the first husband and wife team to be governors of two separate states.

3. Maybe if Hillary is elected president, Bill will get bored and run for New York governor. He'll just want Eliot to leave his little black book behind.

4. Yes, Spitzer will resign soon. He's just waiting for the state constitution to be translated into Braille. (Lieutenant Governor Paterson is blind.)

5. In the same year that we might have our first black president, New York will surely have its first governor (Lieutenant Governor Paterson is also African-American.)

6. Governor Paterson just has a more gubernatorial ring to it than Spitzer. It sounds comfortable and trustworthy, just like upstate New York.

7. I knew I should've voted for John Faso.

8. Great, how are women expected to trust men now? VALENTINE'S DAY EVE?!

9. Ah, yes, No. 9. As in Client No. 9.

10. Someone let me know when the pre-sale is to buy front-row seats to the People of the State of New York vs. Eliot Spitzer.

11. And I thought November 4th would be the best political day of this year. This might beat it by far.

12. I called it yesterday (and would have done it myself if I had a radio show): Don Imus played the "Number 9" voice from The Beatles' "Revolution No. 9" as he went to break.

13. I leave for Spring Break to Cozumel, Mexico on Wednesday morning. When I come back next week, I'll be sure to say something corny like, "Geez, I go away for a week and you change the governor?"

14. In all seriousness though, I don't think I could possibly feel worse for his wife and daughters. No one deserves this, no matter how much of a self-righteous tool your husband/father is.

And Then There Were Three

Before moving on to our painfully obvious top stories, first: A tribute to Governor Mike Huckabee. Mr. Huckabee ran an honorable, compassionate, shoe-string campaign. While I never thought he should be our next president, I do hope he remains heavily on the national stage. The man can crack a good joke, too. Late night talk show host, anyone?

Brownback, Tancredo, Hunter, Thompson, Giuliani, Romney, Paul, Huckabee. All these men vowed to be the second coming of Ronald Reagan. All were defeated decisively at the hands of Arizona Senator John McCain.

Barely registering double-digits in the fall, Senator McCain came storming back, seeming to pick up every single vote that then-front-runner Rudy Giuliani lost. Despite the lack of support from the party machine, ordinary Republican voters across the nation saw the Straight Talk Express as the means of transportation to arrive at a more united America then has existed these past seven years. A Republican that even a Democrat could love.

The moral of the GOP story is that it doesn't matter how much you pander to your "base" - your best strategy is to tell it like it is and stand firmly behind your record, no matter how controversial.

In the blue column, could this be the first time Saturday Night Live has been relevant in at least fifteen years? Appearing jovial and relaxed for once, Senator Hillary Clinton reminded the nation that ain't no party like a Clinton party 'cause a Clinton party don't stop. She finally had her audience with young people. While I haven't seen exit polls breaking down age this evening, I'm sure the aura surrounding her SNL appearance definitely did not hurt.

I will go on record now and say something bold and, well, unlike me. One of three senators will be elected president on November 4th. Any of these three - yes, any of these three - would put us in a better place than we are now. No matter which candidate wins the yet to be determined Texas (at 12:39AM EST, people are still waiting to caucus due to record-shattering turnout), the real winners tonight are the people of the United States of America.